A Dream

I had a dream

I gave you a call

You picked it up

I saw your face

You did not change

We went home together

It felt strange

There is something

I can’t put my finger on it

It didn’t last for a while

You told me

You need to get going

You did not tell where to

But you need to

There they

“In a little while

I’ll be gone

The moment’s already passed

It’s gone

And I’m not here”

Could not spell

How it felt

Disbelieve

Blue

Puzzling

But there you were

Smiling

Beaming

Radiant

Seemed contented

I woke up

(Why did I?)

And felt such a strange

Wave of relief

Thought of you in the deep of my sleep
Thought of you in the depth of my night
Thought of you in the darkest of days

Anna Mieke - Warped Window

Hi,

Here we are at the 6th birthday of mine that we celebrate together. Thank you for celebrating with me from afar! Thank you for the chocolates, cakes, poems, uncountable thoughtful gifts and the many things I can hardly recall one by one. Thank you for growing up with me the past 5-almost 6 years. I’m really grateful for you, the reason of my laughter and my sorrow (I’m referring to the Bee Gees song you annoyingly said has shrill sound). I always thought that no one will be able to put up with me for a long time, which is kinda true, but this is a long long time we can say?

When we accidentally bumped into each other at Pondok Saladah and I accidentally (again) made you fall off your bike, I never thought that it’s you who I will spent the first half of my twenties with. I never thought that we will share many things and memories. I never thought that I will love you so deeply. I never thought that we would have the great, passionate love that we shared. I never thought that we would be best friends… I believe it is true, that there is God above, because I don’t believe in coincidences. I also try to believe that everything happens for a reason…

Since everything (probably) happens for a reason, I try hard to believe that the things that are happening now between us are also for a reason (or possibly many reasons). The one reason I can think of is, it’s happening to teach me something. To teach me that I actually, really, deeply love you. To teach me that I should be much careful of my words. To teach me that I should really communicate my feelings instead of projecting them. To teach me that I should not let my emotions got the better of me… To teach me that I should act with more considerations.

During the past few years, we learned many new things together. We learned about each other. We learned how to deal with life together. I kind of forgot that we are also still learning in this relationship thing together… That we are still learning about this mystery of love. To say that I regret many things I said or did to you is an understatement. I didn’t think clearly and I wasn’t very careful of what I said and did. I have been overwhelmed with change, with how shitty things are on a daily basis. I should have been more grateful that I had you beside me… There are too many should haves that are going on my mind everyday, they could make me go crazy.

You were (and still are) always on my mind. I think of you the moment I wake up and before I go to bed. Whenever I’m at campus, I always think about our times (good or bad) together. It’s like you are everywhere… I see you everywhere. I’m reminded by every particular moment happened between us at a particular place. I really wish you were there with me again.

I remember how you were always so patient of me who was (and still is, hehe) always late, and never ready whenever you arrived to pick me up in the morning. We were almost always late to class, but most of the time you still managed to compliment my look. You would always hold my hand, too. I have always wanted someone who holds my hand when we are walking together, and I’m always very happy whenever you do that! Probably I never told you this.. Because most of the time I’m not good with expressing my feelings and only good with letting the anger out. I’m sorry I was always reflecting the deep-seated wounds inside of me to you that I have yet to heal. Thank you for being accepting of me and for always waiting for me.

I never thought that we would be in this phase. When I felt that we were really driving apart months ago, I prayed and prayed a lot. I prayed and said to God, if we are not meant for each other, please just help us to let go of each other instead of continuing our dysfunction relationship, be toxic and showing damaging behaviors to each other. I also prayed…don’t let me be the one who hurt you by meeting someone new. It’s better if you meet someone new first, and I’m the one who’s hurt because I believe I will eventually be okay… Little did I know that God would grant my wish so quickly, and I will be terribly hurt by the things I actually wished for… (Lesson learned: careful what you, what I, wish for!)

I still think about you everytime I see cute dogs and cats photos, memes and videos… I save every single one of them on my account, just in case things would go back to the way they were between us. Isn’t that sad because they will never be?? I still cry when I think about what happened between us. I never thought it will be this hard. That it will hurt this much. It hurts me a lot to know that you would not think about me anymore whenever you see cute dogs and cats photos and videos… I never thought that a thing so trivial like this could make me cry myself to sleep.

However, do you realize that things seem to be better between us after all of this happened? Do you recognize that we see each other more frequently than before? Do you feel that the atmosphere is lighter (although it’s significantly heavier inside too) between us? Probably (again), everything really happens for a reason? Or, is it just me who overthinks everything as usual? Do you overthink about me just like I do about you?

As I have said to you, I really enjoyed spending time with you today. I really had a good time. From the time you suddenly appeared in the front of my house when I haven’t changed yet (as always, hehe), until the time you dropped me back home. I was very happy to eat sushi with you, although your annoying ass complained because we had to be in the waiting list (only 3 names, tho! *rolling eyes*). I really enjoyed browsing at the hardware store with you. I was very happy with your small, lovely (and flirty, obviously) gestures that are actually just you picking on me, as usual! I was very happy to accompany you to see the silly modified cars you’re attracted to. I would be delighted to take your silly photos with the dingy little urchins in front of the cars! I was happy that we could also find the phone neck strap that you’ve been wanted to have…

But, did you realize that every time you look at your phone, a part of me dies inside? Did you see that the freaking song really made me sad? Could you tell that your jokes about wedding and kids that made me laugh also made me sad at the same time because I still hope that probably we were meant for each other and those things will happen to us? These thoughts are killing me. I’m tired of all the temptation to reach out and beg for answers. I’m tired of the thoughts of you not being with me. I can’t share you with anyone else. All of it was not your fault, of course. It was only myself.

I just read somewhere that true love is letting go. It is realizing that you should not hold someone back. It is recognizing when you should be out of someone’s way to make room for their growth, for them to be their true self. It is allowing separation for elevation. This means that I should let you go… I should not hold you back for wholeheartedly loving her. Neither one of us should be feeling this way, that you don’t really fall for one person. I should be out of your way to let you wrap the things around your head and grow yourself. I should separate myself, who have caused you pain and probably trauma, from you.

I never thought that we would fall apart this bad. That I would fell apart this bad. I’m really sorry that at one point I stopped working for us. I’m sorry that this didn’t work. I’m sorry that I terribly hurt you and caused you terrible pain. We are worthy of a healthy and whole relationship, and if apparently we can’t achieve it together, then we might achieve it with someone else…

It’s time for me to start healing from the painstaking emotions of our separation. I should stop being so hard on myself. I should stop not being able to sleep and/or to function because all of this. I should really start to heal, which I could possibly do if you really leave me alone, as much as I actually want to be with you all the time.

I will always be over here. Watching and supporting your growth. Please take good care of your self. Please don’t neglect your body. Please rest well. No more reckless and silly actions, please… I will always care about you.

Thank you for everything…

P. S. I never thought that 5 years after you posted the lovely blog post of our story as my birthday gift, I give you this letter… I know everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck??

P. P. S. This is unsent because the one whom I addressed this letter decided not to spend my birthday with me. However, months after I wrote this letter, I re-read it again and again and came to the realization that, why did I blame myself so much? It’s not all my fault. It’s just how it should be… I should have been much kinder to myself. It’s a journey I have to go through to find my self, to love my self as much as I could have. So, this journey is worth having, as it makes me realize that I should like and love myself first. I surely miss the bond, it is irreplaceable, but I also should always remember the disrespect. “I’m not even part of the equation.”

See, I’ve been having me a real good time
But it feels so nice to know I’m gonna be alright
So please don’t take my feelings
I have found at last…
If I wanted to, I’d be alright

Alabama Shakes - This Feeling

How do you hold all of the emotions within,

If you never cry yourself until every part of your body is aching?

Fond Memories

Caught your eyes

A few times

Looking

From across the room

With a smile

“Use your left foot first is how you do it”

“Ready?”

“Watch your step!”

“On my mark. 1, 2… 3!”

A gentle guide

Shared mixtapes

Late night deep talks

Anonymous letter

Lovely

Short and sweet

No follow-up

Disappointed

Disappointing

Obscured by clouds

I guess that’s just the way it is?

That’s life?

Where things don’t always work out

The way you

The way I

Intended it to be

Nonetheless

Seven years later

I’m melting again

Made me realize

What matters are

The small moments

That lead to

Fond memories…….

I Don’t Know What It Is, But I Know What It Should or Should Not Be

It should be peaceful

It should make you feel peace and at peace both when you give it and when you receive it

It should be easy

It should give you warmth

It should be reciprocal

It should make you feel alright

It should be the choice to live your life extended

It should not feel heavy

It should not be tiring

It should not make you second-guess every little thing

It should not make you feel insecure

It should never drag you down

It should never make you belittle yourself

It should never make you feel that you are not good enough…

But then my best friend reminded me,

When you give it to the world

A lot of it,

Without expecting anything in return…

It will never be in vain…

“What we have to always remember is

That we got to spend time with them

No matter how long or short it was.

We’re lucky to have crossed path with them

The world is a huge place

If God didn’t plan for us to meet them

We wouldn’t have met them at all

And we know very well that we don’t even want to imagine our life without them…”

MNRP to MSN

Thursday, 19 March 2019

The Right Thing

He was not the kindest

He made a lot of mistakes

It’s almost easy to blame and not to forgive him for a lot of things

But now I’m more than certain

Today I know

That he did the right thing

To set foot on his own

From all these noises

Was the best decision he made for us

It was the best thing

But why?

Why can’t he be with us forever?

Wrap myself up and take me home again

Too many heartaches in one lifetime

Ain’t good for me…

Bee Gees - Love You Inside Out

The Kisses

Every greeting

Every goodbye

You will kiss both of my cheeks

Tenderly

Lovingly

Affectionately

Which you rarely did before

Last Sunday

You woke me up with many kisses on both of my cheeks

Made me smile from ear to ear

Warms my heart just thinking about it until now

Little did I know…

Your warm kisses will never be enough now

I want to be with you all the time

Your kisses make you feel so close

But so far…………